Stone Cold Jane Austen

It’s a good thing Congress isn’t alive to see this

MAGA 3 days ago: Chicago is about to find out the meaning of WAR MAGA today: the left needs to stop condoning violence

*alien crying* Me: And that’s the end of Watership Down - a book about rabbits

I wouldn’t tell anyone I’d won $2.50 on the Powerball, but there would be signs—

I fear I’ll never toss another salad 😩

Diarrhea summer is over Get ready for diarrhea fall

me: *sneaks into the cinema dressed as a man made of wicker to see The Odyssey*

Dead turtles shell no tales

What are we doing this weekend, bluebies?

[wielding a Taylor Farms salad bag] STAND BACK!

They said they discharged Mitch from rehab But I said he’s dead, dead, dead

“Still punk as fuck” I whisper as I squint and type “still punk as fuck” on someone’s Instagram page I’m not sure whose

For a junk drawer to legally qualify as a real junk drawer, what is the ONE absolute mandatory item it must include? A bread-tie from lockdown

I sat on a trial today and yesterday as a juror here in downtown Baltimore (it’s over, BTW) and at the end, another juror told me she thought I was cool and “spunky” (lol, when crime is involved, yes I AM) and I haven’t stopped beaming about it since.